A Lot of Stuff

My last post was on February 14 - Valentine's Day.

I was spending an extended weekend with my family, primarily doing overnights with my Grandpa during his journey through the last stages of his cancer.

Would not have traded that time for anything in the world. It was hard, watching him so frail and sick, but it was sweet and precious all at the same time. A lot of hand-holding, some tears. Ok, a lot of tears.

When I was getting ready to leave his house to fly back to Florida and Grandpa grabbed my hand and said "I'll probably never see you again, will I?" I completely lost it and had a sobbing fit in his living room.

Me, the granddaughter who is a Hospice RN and deals with this multiple times a day, had to be comforted by his Hospice nurse - who slipped a sweet, sweet note in my pocket for me to read on the plane.

I didn't update at the time, but many of you know that he passed away less than two weeks later.

Today marks exactly two months.

I've honestly been in a little two month slump. No motivation, a lot of sadness, a little laziness.

And by "laziness," I mean I'm now on level 723 of Candy Crush.

Dad told me this week to keep updating this blog - apparently some of you keep asking him when I'll post again. I also heard from a couple of you that my last couple posts haven't been in my "normal" vein of dry humor and sarcasm...I know they've been a little down and depressing.

This one isn't starting out much better, is it?

Well. Hold tight. I'll get back in the swing.

Here's what's been going the last several months:

Varsity baseball is still going strong. Post-season started this week and we won on Tuesday like a million to nothing. They're playing again tonight, and Matt's not home yet so I have no clue what's going on.

I do know that as he was walking out the door this morning he said it was going to be ugly. For the other team. So don't bother coming to watch.

And due to baseball superstitions, I'm still not allowed at games - hence the "don't bother coming to watch." Seriously. They lose when I'm there, so I've been banned for the past 12 years. Honestly, it's true.

To test it out (again) I went to the first couple innings of a game when my sister and her family were here visiting because my niece Addie wanted to see Uncle Matt coach. Well, we arrived, and...they started losing. We left after two innings, and the team came back to beat Vero Beach - not an easy team.

Watching Uncle Matt...he turned and waved at her and she thought it was SO COOL. Uncle Matt was in a baseball uniform and on a baseball field and he waved.

(It made quite the impression - she's still talking about it. Erin told me a baseball team bus passed them the other day and Addie said "Maybe they're going to play Uncle Matt's team!" They live in Georgia...)

It's really, really weird...even I'm starting to believe the superstitions. I'd like to be at the games, but, well, you can't argue with the stats. Cause, Moneyball.

12 years of marriage, folks. You just roll with it.

2. So, yeah. Erin and family came to visit for a week! Remember this post about when I was solo with the kids for like seven measly hours?

Child's play.

This time - THREE DAYS SOLO. Erin and Cole were able to have a late anniversary celebration at a resort on the beach, and I volunteered to watch the girls so they could have a break.

Bedtimes. Naptimes. Baths. SOLO. Cause, baseball season. Single "parent."

So that was fun.

The girls could smell my fear and milked it for everything they had.

Not really (but kind of really). We had a great time, and everyone survived. Everyone even got a vitamin and vegetables with their meals. Super Aunt!

The goal (again) this time was to stay busy and wear ourselves out.

Which worked. When they left on that Saturday, Aunt Addie fell into a two-day coma slumber.

I even wrote a haiku about how Matt and I feel about having children. I think you'll like it.

How We Feel About Having Children - a Haiku by The Walters

 

No no no no no

No no no no no no no

No no no no no.

I mean, honestly.

This is how we define what's already in our house.

Boom.

Blog updated.

Ok, one more cause I'm realllllly proud of this....

Thanks to my workouts and counting macros and running and lifting heavy things...

I'm down 10+lbs and counting!

Relentless Performance in Vero! Training, nutritional coaching, LOVE IT!

More about that later, if you all are ready for more blog posts about food and workouts.

Cause I can bring it.

It's 4am and I Must Need Coffee

I've short-sheeted my Grandpa's bed.

 

It's 4am and we've decided we need a bath and some new warm jammies, and I cannot find where mom has his clean sheets stored.

 

So I may or may not have grabbed the set of full-size sheets from his bedroom and wrestled them onto his new twin-size hospital bed, tucking in the corners and pretending it's what I meant to do all along.

 

That's right. Grandpa is in a hospital bed. He's parked in the living room where he can be a part of the family and look out the window, even though he keeps telling us he wants to be left alone.

 

And if you know anything about Polish men, you know they're stubborn and usually get their way.

So now I'm sitting on the sofa within earshot in case he needs anything, drinking a huge mug of coffee since I'm coming off my second night shift in a row with him.

 

He gave me permission to use his favorite Notre Dame mug.

 

 

We're not sure what to think. Last September his doctor gave him six months and hospice was called in because Grandpa thought the idea of surgery/chemo/radiation was ridiculous at his age, and he just wanted to be left alone to live out his days in the comfort of his own home.

 

Plus, he used to love coffee and cake and cookies for breakfast, and everyone knows that hospital coffee sucks.

 

Formerly from South Bend, Indiana, his Missouri residence still looks like Notre Dame threw up on it. He bleeds blue and gold, so very comfortable in his familiar surroundings.

 

 

And he's done great at home, living fairly independently up until recently right across the backyard from mom and dad - absolutely no pain, no agitation, no nausea...just the typical decreased appetite and increased weakness.

 

As hard as it is to watch him lose his strength and independence, it's such a blessing that that's all that's going on.

 

It's been hard for him, losing his independence and having to rely on others for help. I think he put Polish hexes on the family when we brought in the hospital bed, but we couldn't risk more falls. He hated it until he discovered he loves sleeping with the head of the bed elevated. It looks...interesting,  but who am I to tell him what to do? Let him make what few choices he can still make.

 

I love being here with him. He gave his nurse and my parents a scare last week and everyone said to come home as soon as possible.

 

So I did, Florida to Missouri at the drop of a hat. Jesus loves you, Southwest Airlines.

 

I walked into his house Thursday evening with mom and dad, and what do I see? He's sitting on the sofa with his caregiver, and immediately smiles and says "Addie!" when he sees me.

 

Right there. Right there is worth the entire trip.

 

He hasn't been eating and his weight loss is shocking. I have to restrain myself from going into Nurse Mode, and instead sit down next to him and just chill and relax in Granddaughter Mode. It's hard.

 

Very hard. I want to check his blood pressure, his heart and lungs, go over his comfort meds...but I don't. I put on my pajamas and snuggle with him and we eat a small bowl of ice cream, one of the few bites he's eaten in days.

 

 

We make a mess and laugh and promise each other we won't tell mom.

 

Then he's tired. He's now in a wheelchair for any sort of distance, and luckily I can work those things like a pro. Nursing school training at work right there, people.

 

His hospice nurse stopped by yesterday telling us what we already know - take it day-by-day. It took everything in me to keep my mouth shut and not say "I'm a hospice nurse too!! Let me tell you my observations and let's compare the real notes!!"

 

But I didn't. I don't want to be one of those crazy nurse family members...because I hate encountering them myself. I'm just here as a granddaughter, happy to fill in as the night shift, sleeping not too far from his side, holding his hand and giving him a sip of water now and then, wrapped in his Notre Dame blanket.

 

And short-sheeting the bed when needed. Obviously.