28 April 2010

Fear and Rambling

The following is a rant that I emailed to my sister the other day. I wrote it on Monday and I've had it sitting in my Google Documents folder ever since, internally struggling with what to do with it. Delete it? Post it? I told Erin I didn't think I was going to post it because it's pretty private, but I got to thinking: what if someone else is struggling the way I am? Maybe these words will help them know they're not alone.
 
How has this never come across my path?
 
Maybe it has and I just don't remember.
 
But it has flat-out jumped up and slapped me in the face today and I'm still stinging from the backhand.
 
Have you ever read Hebrews 10:26-27?
 
I highly recommend that you do.  

I will be the first person to admit that I'm not a biblical scholar like my sister or her husband Cole. So not wanting to misuse this passage or take it out of context, I dug up some biblical commentary regarding the verses. The overwhelming agreement is that these verses are talking about people who hear about God's gift - his Son dying on the cross for our sins - yet knowingly turning their backs and reject salvation. They are people who profess to be believers, yet live how they want and do what they want with no concern for the consequences.
 
This particular verse refers to the act of apostatizing - basically abandoning your faith and all you once believed. Turning your back on the God you know is real and true. You KNOW it, yet you reject it.

 

I will tell you right now. I don't apostatize.
 
I fully embrace my Savior. I love Him. I worship Him. I fall on my face in front of Him.
 
I do, however, stupidly continue to do things I know are wrong. Not in light and grace and truth.
 
Ugh.
 
How this particular passage of scripture spoke to me (in a non-apostasy and non-biblical scholarly way) is that I do things in my personal life that I know are a slap in the face to God. I KNOW they are a slap in the face, and yet I KNOWINGLY keep doing that junk over and over.
 
I KNOW I shouldn't watch half of the movies or TV shows I watch. Who needs that raunchy “humor” in their head?? Does it glorify God? Heck no!!
 
I KNOW I shouldn't hold grudges and wish bad things on people who I think have wronged me. One of my friends posted an awesome quote on Facebook by Mother Theresa that really convicted me on that particular level:
 
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God; it was never between you and them anyway.
-Mother Teresa's Anyway Poem
 
Wow. It's between me and God. That's all.
 
I could say, "Well, so-and-so does this, so that's why I did it, too."
 
No excuses. It's between me and God.
 
So, simply put, I KNOW that as a Christian, I shouldn't invite certain things into my life. YET I KEEP STINKING DOING IT!! I’M KNOWINGLY SINNING AND STILL DO IT!!!
 
My own personal version of apostasy.
 
Not, by all definitions abandoning my faith and turning my back on God - but isn't that sort of what I'm doing on some level every time I chose wrong over right?
 
I want to change. Lord, I am willing.
 
Those were Monday's thoughts.
 
Today, Kay Arthur's post on Crosswalk.com helped answer my frustrations. How did she know exactly what I am going through?? Her post is titled "Do You Long for the Goodness of Life?"
 
Yowza.
 
Some excerpts that grabbed me:
 
Why have people in general become so narrow-mindedly "me" centered? Why are we so broadly tolerant that whatever others think, we accept it as right? Why is our society made up of so many frustrated, unrestrained individualists who put self before others? (Sidebar from Addie: ME!! I DO THIS!! I'M SO VERY GUILTY OF THIS!!)
 

Why, Beloved?

 
Have you considered it might be because we have lost our sense of the fear of God?
 
Romans 3:11-18 describes what happens when people lose their reverential trust and awesome respect for God. It describes what happens when a generation is raised apart from a biblical knowledge of God. That passage is the self-portrait of a person who does not acknowledge the God of the Bible. It is the epitome of someone who walks according to his or her own understanding - dictated by his or her own desires, making decisions according to personal criteria that ignores God and His Word.
 

You and I desperately need to know what the Lord abhors and what the Lord approves of - and the consequences of not living accordingly.

 

We need to do everything we can, dear one, to instill - first in our own lives, in the lives of our children, our families, our churches, and then in our society - a biblical knowledge of God.

 

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge" (Proverbs 1:7).

 

There is no better time than now to discipline ourselves anew for the purpose of godliness; to set schedules, to order our days, to stop and think about our future and where we want to be.
 
Wow. Amazing truth in those words.
 
So pretty much, I need to stop and think before I act.
 
Why does this all of a sudden feel like a kindergarten lesson? Maybe because I've been acting like a child and God needed to get my attention.
 
Truth. Grace. Faith.
 
Renewing yourself daily in Christ. 
 
Actually acting like His Beloved. 
 
And believing it.  
 
 
Today I love: Do-overs due to grace and forgiveness.

2 comments:

Kayla said...

ha, totally what i needed to hear/read myself. thanks for not holding back and sharing your heart!

fallingintofavor said...

ha! I go off on rants myself..

I know God is disappointed with my actions at times. He paid a high price for my life...He died in my place...and I make a choice to have an attitude or not forgive someone. That's so not cool!

I know that He is calling me to a higher level...He expects more for me and I'm stepping up to that challenge! Like you said, acting like His beloved!